


Ten Thousand Summer Nights

by BehindTheRobinsMask



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Nightwing (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Childhood Friends, First Love, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Graduation, M/M, Mutual Pining, Road Trips, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Unresolved Romantic Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-18
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:07:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26533363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BehindTheRobinsMask/pseuds/BehindTheRobinsMask
Summary: Jason knows that now that they have graduated high school, the distance between him and Dick will only grow. They'll go their separate ways and whatever relationship they have will come to an end. So, on an impulse, he decides to go on a road trip with his friend and first love, one last chance to make all the memories that they possibly can. This is his goodbye but Dick doesn't know that yet.
Relationships: Dick Grayson/Jason Todd
Comments: 8
Kudos: 78





	1. Again

**Author's Note:**

> Song: Again by Sasha Sloan

Jason’s finger tapped nervously against the trunk of his car, his eyes counting the number of bags kept inside. Two. There had been two when he put the bags in. There were two when he made his first check. Then the second. Now the third. Even he knew this excuse had run its course but his thoughts were too much of a mess for him to come up with something new. Something that didn’t light up Dick’s blue eyes with amusement. Or make his lips pull into a small smile, one of those rare sights where you knew he wanted to laugh but couldn’t because of the present company. He did that a lot when someone said something dumb to him during the many galas that Bruce arranged to keep up his image as the Gotham city playboy. And Jason knew he heard a lot of dumb things. Dick Grayson was beautiful. Everyone knew that but because he was beautiful, people had a habit of underestimating him, believing that all he could think about was other pretty things like spending his dad’s money and getting drunk. While he could easily prove them wrong, he never did, using his intelligence like a trump card to turn the tides of every game.   
  


And every time he dropped a bomb on people, he’d make sure to add an  _ ‘Or so I’ve heard’ _ at the end so his cover wouldn’t be blown.   
  


He was so freaking amazing.   
  


_ No. No. Jason. You’re not here to write sonnets about Dick Grayson... Although---NO! Stop it!  
  
_

Closing the trunk, along with every part of his brain that brought up memories that could make him melt like ice cream on a hot summer’s day, Jason turned around to face the manor Right now, Dick was carrying Damian in his arms, doing his best to appease the six-year-old who was upset that he couldn’t go for the road trip.   
  


_ ‘I am not a child, father!’  _ he had complained while dragging around his stuffed black dog that he took everywhere he went.  _ I’m fairly capable of taking care of myself!”  
  
_

The kid thought that just because he could put words together to form a sensible sentence, he could drive a car. He truly was Bruce’s spawn alright. Right now, the supposed grown up in a bite-sized package was clinging to Dick, in true adult fashion, fat tears rolling down his chubby cheeks and mingling with the snot leaking from his red nose. Jason couldn’t blame him though. If Dick hugged him and then told him he had to leave, he would cry too.   
  


“Do you have to go, Dick?” Tim asked, stepping out from behind Alfred after spending the last hour just giving Jason the stink-eye.   
  


At thirteen years of age, one would think that the brat would stop clinging to his older brother but Tim was as enamoured as the rest, following Dick wherever he went. And maybe he could read minds or had a radar when it came to people who were interested in his older brother because every time Jason came by, there Tim was, staring him down, almost threatening to make use of his scrawny arms to fuck him up if he hurt Dick. Which kind of worked even though Jason could just sit on him and that would be the end of that.   
  


Honestly, why the hell did Bruce have so many damn children?  
  


“Aww, Timmy. I’ll only be gone for a week,” Dick assured as he pulled his brother in for a hug, something that seemed to annoy Damian as he tried to kick Tim’s head. “But I’ll get you a souvenir.”  
  


“Promise?” Tim asked, looking at Dick with big blue eyes that would make anyone’s heart melt.   
  


“I promise,” Dick said as he leaned down to kiss Tim’s forehead.   
  


_ Lucky brat.   
  
_

“Perhaps, we shouldn’t keep the young Master Jason waiting,” Alfred intervened before the kids could make any more demands. He had been eyeing Jason for a while now, waiting for him to make a move but he should have known that would never happen. Jason was a sucker for Dick’s smile and could just stand around staring at him all day. “You are already running behind your schedule by an hour.”  
  


“Ah sh--oot!” Dick quickly corrected himself as the butler raised his brows. He handed Damian off to him, gave the brat a quick kiss on the cheek before turning towards Jason.   
  


Just like the first time they met, Jason’s breath got caught in his throat and his heart started beating like a boombox in his chest.  _ Thump. Thump. Thump _ . Each beat rippling through his entire body. For years he had waited for this feeling to stop. For years he had hoped that Dick Grayson wouldn’t have such an effect on him. But every day felt like a new beginning, a new chance to unravel parts of someone he had known since he was twelve. Then again, Dick was like a flower that kept blooming, petal after petal unravelling with the center nowhere in sight.  
  


“Ready to go?” Dick asked with a smile, his words snapping Jason out of his daze.   
  


“Sure,” Jason squeaked out and then cleared his throat, his cheeks burning with embarrassment. If he looked up, he was sure that Damian was mouthing the word  _ pathetic  _ at him right about now.  
  


Tugging on the collar of his shirt, refusing to look at the brats whose eyes were going to make holes in his back very soon, Jason quickly unlocked his car and got into the driver’s seat, gripping the wheel tightly as he waited. Opening the door to the passenger seat, Dick looked back at his family one last time and waved goodbye. He seemed a bit apprehensive about leaving and Jason wondered if he wanted to cancel the trip. But instead, he got inside.   
  


“We should go,” Dick whispered, his voice low.  
  


“Everything okay?” Jason asked as he started the car.  
  


“Dami,” was all he said for an answer but that was enough to let Jason know what was going on. Any moment now, the youngest Wayne would burst into tears all over again, his wails so loud that if Dick heard them, he’d be out of the car in seconds to comfort his brother.  
  


Sometimes Jason wondered if Damian had breakdowns on purpose, knowing very well that Dick would drop everything to be with him. He didn’t want to judge the kid like that but there had been too many incidents. For instance, during their junior year, Dick had accepted to go to prom with one of those worst people in the school, this girl who liked to call herself Mirage that no one could stand. Damian had one look at her and he decided that he hated her. Thus began the breakdown of the century as he cried and cried, every scream echoing through the manor until Dick apologized to Mirage and sent her away so he could be with his brother instead. Since Dick had wanted Jason to tag along with them, he had been there to witness it all.   
  


When Jason shared the events of the night with his adoptive mother, Selina, she had laughed so hard that she almost slipped off the bed. According to her, he should have been thanking Damian for saving him from being miserable all night as he watched Dick dance with everyone but him. Not that Dick had an issue with dancing with guys. It was just that Jason never had the balls to ask him.   
  


Jason and Dick had been best friends since the day they had met during one of Bruce’s parties. Both of them were recently adopted orphans with no one to call their own, no one who really understood what they were going through but in the blink of an eye, they had each other. Since then, they had been joint at the hip, doing everything together. Things only changed as they got older and Dick made new friends, his world expanding while Jason’s was still him.   
  


“Uh… you wanna hear some music?” Jason asked as he stepped down on the gas pedal.   
  


Dick didn’t answer. Instead, he just switched on the radio, stormy eyes staring out the window as they drove towards the manor gates. Knowing him, Dick was probably trying his best not to look back at his brother’s to see if Damian was okay or not. So, being brave for a moment, Jason took Dick’s hand in his own, squeezing it tight to assure him that everything would be alright. Glancing at him, Dick smiled, true and grateful. Jason knew they’d be alright. 

*******

Jason had been twelve years old when he met Dick for the first time.   
  


His day had begun rather normally. After breakfast in the morning, he had headed into town with Selina because she had some things to pick up, dresses, jewellery, shoes and a custom made suit just for him. They had given the measurements for it a week ago and at the time, Jason hadn’t really complained since Selina had been so nice to him. She patted his head, kept him fed and called him her kitten. Maybe in many ways he was. Once they had finished the errands, he had been dumped in the washroom for a long bath, one that involved scented soap and essential oils, the whole situation confounding him. Was this another one of the life experiences that Selina kept bragging about? Jason didn’t think much of it, a trend that continued even when she asked him to try on his suit to see if it fit. Then, suddenly, she was styling his hair under the guise of photographs. She was making him put on the right shoes, spraying him with perfume that she grabbed while he wasn’t looking and adjusting his tie.  
  


He grew suspicious when she told him to wait as she got dressed as well.   
  


“I want to take cute pictures together, Jase. Don’t worry about it,” she had said when he narrowed his eyes.   
  


If he had been smarter, Jason would have run out the door at that moment. He was sure he could find an alley where she couldn’t find him. But like an unknowing fool, he had lounged on the couch, playing with Isis as he waited. Selina was ready soon enough, dressed to match his suit, her makeup and hair done as she held out her hand for him to take.  
  


“Let’s go,” was all she had said as Jason stared at her with confusion.  
  


“Go where?” he had asked, inching back slightly, his eyes looking for an escape route but there wasn't one.   
  


“To Bruce Wayne’s of course. Didn’t I tell you?”  
  


“Selina!”  
  


That’s how Jason ended up in the manor hall, standing in a corner while tugging on his collar. When he had first arrived, everyone had descended on him to pat his hair and pinch his cheeks until they felt sore. Why were adults like this? Thankfully, the excitement had died down and as Selina talked to her ‘friends’ Jason was free to roam about. Well, he was supposed to be talking to the other kids but one look at them and he knew he would never get along with any of them. Not wanting to start a fight in the middle of the party, he kept his distance.   
  


He had just started muttering about the injustices he had been forced to face today when he felt someone staring at him. Following the feeling of eyes on him, Jason glanced to the side and found a boy watching him from behind one of the pillars, nervous, maybe a bit scared. While Jason usually preferred not to involve himself with high society brats, enamoured by blue he had made the journey to where the boy was.   
  


“Hi. I’m Jason,” he introduced himself, almost in a trance.   
  


And just like that, he became friends with Dick Grayson.  
  


Just like that, he met his first and maybe only love.

*******

“So we’re first going to Metropolis right?” Dick asked, going through the map on his phone.  
  


“Yep,” Jason answered, glancing at him quickly before looking at the road.   
  


After making their way from the manor grounds and back to the city, it had been a half-hour drive before they even reached Gotham’s outskirts, the time being stretched as the two of them decided to stop Moony’s Diner for chocolate malt shakes, a tradition they had started in middle school. With Dick’s friend circle expanding and Jason becoming busy with classes, the two of them barely got to see each other. Disappointed by their lack of interaction and tired of just texting, Dick had made a decision. Every day, after school, they would hang out at the diner for at least an hour. Chocolate malts became their thing and Jason knew the trip simply wouldn’t be a success if they started without them.   
  


When he had stopped by the diner, the brightest smile had appeared on Dick’s face, letting him know he had made the right choice. So what if they were running behind schedule? Dick’s happiness came first.   
  


“So, I told Clark that we’ll be in Metropolis by tomorrow afternoon,” Dick said as he put his phone aside, though his words almost made Jason stop the car.  
  


“Tomorrow? Dickie, if we pick up the pace, we’ll be there by tonight for sure,” he pointed out. They had started later than planned, mostly because Selina had held him back since she needed some help, pushing their morning plans to the afternoon instead. And then it had taken forever to get the brats at Dick’s home to let him go. The stop at the diner clearly didn’t help with time.   
  


“Even if we speed up, which is dangerous by the way, we’ll reach Metropolis late in the night. I’m not going to arrive at Clark’s doorsteps at three in the morning.” Dick shook his head and his words made Jason furrow his brows with confusion.  
  


Especially since Dick had done this exact thing last year without any worries whatsoever. Clark didn’t mind either, welcoming both of them into his home with a bright smile. Did something happen that Jason didn’t know about?  
  


“I also don’t want to drive through the night. I think it’ll be best if we stop in Bludhaven for dinner, have a relaxing meal, find a motel and then head out in the morning,” Dick said, presenting a whole new plan. “I even have a few places picked out.”  
  


He seemed overly prepared for this.  
  


“When did you have time to do that?” Jason asked, glancing at his friend who just shrugged.  
  


“It was a two-minute google search,” he answered.  
  


But for some reason, Jason couldn’t believe him. Something about the whole situation just seemed strange, not that he’d be one to voice any objections. Maybe Dick didn’t want to stay in the car for long periods of time. Maybe he never really wanted to go on a road trip in the first place. After all, all of this had been Jason’s dumb idea born from anxiety and worry.   
  


It had all happened so suddenly.   
  


One minute, Jason was sitting in class and chewing on the nail of his right thumb, eyes occasionally glancing at the clock, watching the way each second passed by so slowly.  _ Tick. Tick. Tick.  _ No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t concentrate on the lesson, his mind running with a million thoughts at once. This was his final year. Hell, this was his last class of senior year. School was about to be over for good and once that happened, the future would come barging right through the door after spending months knocking like a salesperson that everyone just ignored. And with it would come separation. Jason was sure of that. After all, he had seen it happen, seen the way his relationship with Dick had changed over the years. While they spent as much time as they could at the diner, it still wasn’t the same. Not for him at least. Now, with everyone starting a new chapter in their lives, Jason didn’t know where he would end up. He didn’t know where Dick would end up. Not like that they had ever talked about this. Jason had always been too afraid to discuss things like college plans, afraid he’d hear an answer that would break his heart for good.   
  


If Jason wanted, he could go to any college, pick up any major, drop out and start all over again. Selina would support him through it all. But he didn’t want to be dependent on her for the rest of his life. He didn’t want to burden her any more than he already had. She had been a generous parent, one who had loved and taken care of him in her own way. Which is why, since he had started middle school, Jason had been working hard to get straight A’s and stay out of trouble. Even so, he had tried his best because when the time came for him to apply for college, he could maybe find a scholarship to get him through.   
  


So when the bell had rung, instead of staying behind to discuss books with his favourite literature teacher, Jason had bolted out the door in a hurry, pushing past people and muttering out half-hearted apologies. And his speed only increased when he saw Dick leaning against his locker, talking to the red-head Wally West, someone who was always around him at school, someone that Jason really didn’t like. But then again, he wasn’t a big fan of most of Dick’s redhead posse. Except maybe Kori and Roy. They were cool. The rest though could go right to hell for all he cared. Especially Wally since he always found a way to insert himself into every situation involving Dick.   
  


“We should go on a road trip!” Jason had screamed so loud that people stopped and stared, wondering what was going on. Then on the inside, he had died a little because why the hell had he proposed such an absurd plan. He should have thought things through.  
  


Confusion bloomed across Dick’s face because of the sudden question, “A road trip?” he asked, clearly not expecting this from Jason.  
  


And he wasn’t the only one.   
  


“Yeah!” Jason forced out a smile but despite the way he was panicking internally, he glanced at Wally, noticing the wheel’s turning in his mind. “Just the two of us!”  
  


And that’s how Jason had found himself at the manor, ready to pick up Dick for the much-awaited trip.   
  


Now, after weeks of planning, going through every possible route and ignoring the way Bruce stared him down every time he came over to discuss things, they were finally on the road. All Jason had to do was make this perfect trip for Dick, one full of happiness and memories so that when the time came for them to part ways, he would be remembered as someone who loved Dick with all his heart. Separation was inevitable. Jason knew that. After all, everyone had to grow up at some point and Dick had grown out of his need to keep Jason in his life long ago. This was just the breaking point. Which is why he didn’t want any regrets. He didn’t want to look back at this time in his life and wonder what if.   
  


He wanted to love Dick Grayson with all his heart even if he would never be loved back.    
  


If things worked out the way he planned, this road trip would be his perfect goodbye.


	2. Particles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _And I fly but it feels like wasted time_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Particles by Olafur Arnalds

_ Here I am floating in emerald sea  
_ _ Keep me dancing  
_ _ Keep me as still this can be  
_ _ And I try to keep the balance right  
_ _ And I try but it feels like wasted time _

As they drove into Bludhaven, a city that everyone considered Gotham’s seedier cousin, Jason felt like he was back home, back in the arms of Crime Alley where he would have to struggle to see another dawn. Fighting every day, stealing and lurking in the shadows, sneaking into broken homes because he never had one of his own, hiding away from dealers and gripping onto a knife, that was his life for so long. Jason had always been on his own. He had always been so alone. And even when Selina took him in, there were days when he would sit in the darkness of his new room, staring up at the moon the way he used to after his mother was gone, he’d wonder when this new piece of happiness would come to an end. He wondered how life would find a way to take Selina away from him just the way it had taken everyone else. Every smile was overshadowed by fear and no matter how hard he tried, Jason couldn’t make it go away.   
  


All he could do was try and find peace in something, a moment of solace. No fear. No pain. Just him relishing in happiness. And he found what he was looking for, his safe haven, his shelter in the storm, it all just happened to be in Dick Grayson’s arms. Jason wanted to stay there forever even though he knew he couldn’t.   
  


And now, his only hope would be taken away from him, down a path he couldn't follow. But that was alright. Gripping the steering wheel, listening to the directions that Dick gave, Jason took in a deep breath because when all of this ended, when he couldn’t hear Dick’s voice anymore, he’d find a way to be alright.   
  


“This is it,” Dick said with a big smile as Jason parked in front of a diner.  
  


Looking at the place, he raised his brows and glanced at Dick, “This is just Moony’s but with a different name.”  
  


“I thought you’d want to try something more familiar. Just for tonight,” Dick said with a shrug but even though he was trying to be nonchalant, Jason knew he was up to something.  
  


Reaching out, he pulled Dick’s cheeks, watching with amusement as he whined.   
  


“What are you planning, Grayson?” he asked.  
  


After a few more moments of struggling and fighting, the answer came, “Well, I read this place has the best chilli dogs in Bludhaven AND Gotham.”  
  


“Better than Sal’s?”

  
“Better than Sal’s!” Dick nodded. “And our trip can’t be complete unless you have at least one chilli dog every day!”  
  


“What? I’m not going to do that!” Jason argued but his friend wasn’t ready to listen.  
  


“But you have to, Jase! You could be like one of those food bloggers and write a review about each chilli dog. And who knows, if we tell the owners we’re legit, we might get free food.” He wiggled his brows like his idea was the best thing ever.   
  


“Your father is Bruce Wayne. You don’t need to con people into giving you free food,” Jason pointed out with a roll of his eyes.   
  


“I’m not conning anyone!” Dick pouted, his arms crossed. Now, he was really upset. “And anyway, that’s Bruce’s money, not mine.”  
  


Flinching internally, Jason reached out to brush his fingers through Dick’s hair, a comforting action. Sometimes he forgot how much his best friend hated being treated like he was nothing more than a rich brat, arrogant and snooty even though he was anything but that. If Jason felt out of place in Selina’s world, the same could be said for Dick who was grateful for all that he was given but also so very nervous about it all.   
  


_ Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve any of this. The house. Bruce. This family. I feel like I’m living someone else’s life.  _ Dick had shared all his thoughts and fears with him a few weeks after their friendship had blossomed. That night, he looked so fragile, like a child and not the adult he often pretended to be because he didn’t want to burden Bruce any more than he already had.   
  


And while it was easy to lose himself to laughter, to silly jokes that didn’t mean anything, Jason wanted to treat Dick gently. He knew that Dick was more than capable of taking care of himself. He had always been a strong individual, full of love and kindness, a heart so big that it could accept anyone. But even so, Jason wanted to kiss him like he was a treasure, hold him close so he’d never be cold again, caress his skin as softly as he could because it was what he deserved.   
  


Jason wanted to make Dick happy.   
  


“Come on, let’s go inside. I’m starved,” he said, nudging his friend. “Let’s see how good this place is.”  
  


“So you’ll do the food blog thing?” Dick asked, eyes brightening.   
  


“No way in hell, Grayson. Now, get your ass out of my car.”  
  


“Booooo!!”

  
Dick stuck out his tongue at Jason. Jason retaliated by doing the same and then the two of them were laughing like idiots, shoving each other as if they’d never grown up past the age of five. It was in moments like this that Jason found it easy to forget what was to come, ignoring the goodbye that was always looming over them.   
  


“Okay! Food!” Dick exclaimed as he practically jumped out of the car.   
  


Smiling at the seat where his friend once sat, Jason just shook his head slightly before following after. They stepped into the diner and got a booth way in the back, where they could be silly without the world noticing them. They knew each other well enough to know that neither of them had the decency to behave like the children of Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle. Something would happen sooner or later.  
  


And it did after the waitress brought their food. Chilli dogs, fries and milkshakes. It hadn’t even been a minute since she left when Dick started nudging Jason who was ogling his dog.  
  


“Grayson, can’t you see I’m having a moment?” Jason asked as he glanced up, words falling short when he saw Dick’s face.   


He wondered how long Dick had been planning this. Maybe when they’d stepped into the diner. Maybe when he found the place online. Or maybe when they left his house for the road trip. Because nothing could explain how ridiculously fast he had worked to stick straws in the corners of his mouth, wiggling his brows as he looked at Jason.  
  


“Wow dwe I wook?” he asked, unable to talk properly.   
  


“You piece of shit,” Jason howled with laughter. “I hope you know I absolutely despise you, Dick.”  
  


“You wove me,” came the retort and Jason was clutching his stomach as he fell onto the couch.  
  


He loved lame jokes and stupid puns. It was something he’d never admit to the world but of course, Dick knew. Just as he knew everything there was to know about him. And being the weak man that he was, Jason laughed every single time, tears slipping from his eyes even though he should have been rolling them.   
  


“Woin me,” Dick said, holding out straws for Jason to take.  
  


“No way.”  
  


But even though Jason refused, Dick just raised his brows, silently saying  _ I know you want to.  _ And damn it all to hell, he was right. 

***

_ But these heavy hands  
_ _ They're pulling me down on my chest  
_ _ Latching on, coloring all of my flesh  
_ _ Quietly, you hover over me  
_ _ And I fight but it feels like wasted time  
_ _ Feels like wasted time _

If Jason looked back at his memories, he’d say he fell in love with Dick the moment their eyes met, fear and apprehension fading away as blue crashed into him. With every conversation, every brush of their fingers, every smile exchanged, Jason took one step after another into the ocean, shivering under its cold touch. But even then he didn’t know. He never realized, not until his head was barely above the water, not until he was struggling to stay afloat.   
  


Realization struck him when he was fourteen years old. Since their initial meeting, the two of them had constant sleepovers at each other’s homes. As long as they kept their grades up and stayed out of trouble, neither Bruce nor Selina would have a reason to say no. On one such occasion with the lights switched off, they lay huddled underneath the blanket, pressing their hands to their lips as they tried to suppress their laughter. They felt like geniuses because Alfred had come around to check on them, to see that they were asleep and with their impeccable acting skills, poses practised after school to see what seemed the most natural, they had fooled him. No one would ever know that they had planned to stay up through the night.  
  


As the ticking of the clock almost echoed in the room, peeking over his blanket, Dick looked around and then gave Jason the thumbs up. The coast was clear. Jason wasn’t sure what they would do next, maybe go raid Bruce’s library and get their hands on books they couldn’t read during the day since they were strictly  _ for adults only Master Jason _ . But soon, Dick placed a finger on his lips as he got out of bed and motioned for Jason to follow him. Their fingers intertwined and they snuck out the room as Jason chewed on his lower lip, afraid that in the silence everyone could hear how fast his heart was beating, the sound of it probably ringing out through the manor. If he could hear his heart, Dick never said a word, being the good friend he was. Like thieves in the night, they went down the stairs, tiptoeing to the door that led to the garden.  
  


And then Dick was running, his hand leaving Jason’s as the pale moonlight guided his path. For a second, his heart throbbed. For a second, he missed Dick’s warmth. But then he shook his head, not seeing how close he was to falling. One pull and he’d be drowning. So oblivious to his own situation, Jason ran through the green grass of the garden, trees looming over his small frame. Feeling as though the branches were twisting towards him, he had every reason to be afraid.   
  


Catching up to Dick, he found him standing in a clearing, green lights dancing all around him as he stared up at the starry sky, lips pulled into a blissful smile. There was the pull, the gentle tug on his leg. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, no longer fighting the inevitable. He drowned, realizing he was in love with Dick Grayson.   
  


And this was when fear came around, slithering out of its corner to coil around Jason’s heart like a snake. He loved Dick. He had loved him for so long and now he was in too deep. Now, it was too late to turn back so all he could do was stay. All he could do was count down the days until this bliss, the moments that were just meant for them, it all faded away.   
  


Because the first day Jason realized he was in love with Dick, he also realized they could never be. 

***

_ Say goodnight  
_ _ I know that I'm swallowed in sea  
_ _ We collide, colors that devour me  
_ _ Just say goodnight _

  
  


After dinner, they drove through Bludhaven, down the broken streets and past the houses where the lights dimmed out one by one. Dick had found a motel, a place that he claimed would be perfect for them both of them. It was on the outskirts of the city so they’d have plenty of peace and quiet. In the morning when they headed out, they’d already be out of Blud and closer to Metropolis.   
  


“I’m going to call them and book a room,” Dick had said, dialling the number he saw online.  
  


“I doubt they’ll be full,” Jason had sighed.  
  


But Dick wasn’t one to take chances. No matter what, he was adamant about staying at this particular motel so he made the call. And even though he pretended to not care, Jason listened to every word, mostly because he just liked hearing Dick talk. There was just something about his voice that kept him grounded, that pulled him back when he was too lost in the dark, a siren song pulling him through the storm.   
  


Considering everything Dick said about the motel, bragging about just how perfect it was, Jason wondered exactly what was in store for him. So when they reached their destination, he was a bit surprised because the place looked like any other ordinary motel would. 

  
“Hmm. Strange,” Dick hummed, strangely unbothered. “The reviews said this was the place to be for travellers. Maybe the inside looks better than the outside?”  
  


“Maybe.” Jason shrugged as he parked the car.   
  


“Why don’t you get the bags while I go get out keys. Marcy is already expecting me,” he said, getting out of the car and it took everything Jason had not to roll his eyes.   
  


While he was more of a shut-in, preferring to mind his business than to get involved with other people, Dick was his opposite. Wherever he went, even if it was a short trip down to a public restroom, he’d come back with a friend. Not even an acquaintance but a friend who adored him, someone who’d always be loyal to him. Sometimes Jason thought that Dick was the pied piper and the world was full of children who heard his song and followed without question, without doubt, trusting he’d never let them down. And he didn’t. Dick was loved because he knew how to love someone back. He knew how to reach out to them and make them feel like they belonged in a world where most people feared being alone. It’s what he had done for Jason. It’s what he’d done for so many after.   
  


It was only natural that when he called the front desk of the motel, not only had he befriended the receptionist but also knew about her family, details he had shared with Jason. This was a family-owned business, something that Marcy inherited from her late father. She now ran the place with her husband and sometimes, her oldest son would drop by to help, mostly on the weekends or when he was on break from school. Jason was sure that as he talked, Marcy expected a man to be consoling her, someone who had seen the world and had their hair greyed by wisdom. Seeing a teenager on the threshold of adulthood was going to send her for a ride. But it wouldn’t affect her friendship with Dick. No. He’d make her stay. That’s just the way he was.   
  


Grabbing the bags, Jason locked the car and waited until Dick stepped out of the main office, a grin on his face as he waved goodbye to his new friend. But the smile seemed to fade away when he noticed Jason, letting him know that something was wrong.   
  


“So, there was a mix-up,” Dick said as he approached Jason.  
  


“What kind of mix-up?”   
  


“Well, apparently the motel is full and they only have one room left,” the absurd answer came, making Jason look around at the empty parking lot and the glowing vacancy sign. “Apparently a bus broke down nearby and since it wasn’t possible for them to get a replacement this late, the passengers are staying here for the night. This happened after I called. There was a lot of confusion, people just rushing in and Marcy’s husband, Dave, made a mistake.”  
  


“What kind of mistake?” Jason asked, eyes narrowed.

  
“They gave us a room with a single bed,” Dick answered nervously.   
  


“Oh,” Jason whispered.  
  


_ Oh no!  _ His mind screamed and on the inside, he was hyperventilating. While in the past during sleepover him and Dick stayed in the same room, in the same bed, often cuddling one another as they slept, after growing, things had changed. For one, they didn’t have a lot of sleepovers. And when they did, they stayed up through the night, falling asleep unexpectedly. When that happened, Jason had no time to panic, to play out scenarios in his head and scream on the inside. Well, he screamed on the inside all the time but that was a different story. Tonight, though, they both needed sleep because they had a long day ahead of them but how was he supposed to sleep if Dick’s very presence would keep him awake through the night?  
  


“That’s okay, right?” Dick asked, tugging on the sleeve of Jason’s t-shirt.  
  


“Yeah, of course,” Jason asked, nonchalant while on the inside, his panic had ascended into its final form of a pterodactyl that was wreaking havoc in his mind. “It’ll be like one of our sleepovers.”  
  


Dick’s lips pulled into a smile as he leaned his head against Jason’s shoulder, “I miss those.”  
  


His voice was so soft as he spoke, so genuine that it warmed Jason’s heart.  
  


“Me too.”  
  


Grabbing their things, the two of them headed to their room, unlocking the door only to find absolute simplicity inside. The online reviews had been very wrong.   
  


“Ah! Apparently there’s another motel with a similar name,” Dick explained as he rummaged through his bag, ready to change into something more comfortable. “I read the reviews for the wrong place.”  
  


Jason didn’t really know what to say to that so he just shrugged. Not that he really cared but Dick wanted to give him an explanation so he listened. He only ever needed an excuse to do so anyway.   
  


By the time they were both done showering and changing, it was already late but the whole time, they just kept talking, the washroom door slightly ajar so the conversation didn’t have to end. There was a lot of reminiscing, forgotten jokes resurfacing as they walked down memory lanes, picking out moments that only they knew, moments that Jason replayed in his mind over and over again. He did that on days when he felt alone, on days when he missed Dick so much that it hurt. Sometimes, when he closed his eyes, he could almost lose himself in the moment, travel back in time so those feelings of love and belonging would come back to him. It was almost like he was feeling them for the first time. But even then he always felt so cold because even a memory couldn’t replicate Dick’s familiar warmth.   
  


“Hey, Jay, will you read to me?” Dick asked as they lay in bed. Well, Jason was lying on the bed while Dick was practically on top of him. Apparently he was feeling extra cuddly tonight as he threw his leg over Jason’s and pressed up flush against his side.   
  


“You sure? It might be boring for you,” Jason whispered, unable to help himself as he reached out and let his fingers run through Dick’s hair.   
  


“I like listening to you so please,” Dick said, looking up at him with those puppy dog eyes that he knew would get him everything he could ever want.   
  


Sighing, Jason reached for his phone. While he liked paperback and hardcovers, on the road, ebooks were more convenient. He liked to pretend he was a book snob but in the end, he was a sucker for things that made his life easier. Going through the list of his favourites, he settled on something that could maybe convey his feelings without giving him away.   
  


Taking a deep breath, he started, “I have found what you are like in the rain, who feathers frightened fields with the superior dust-of-sleep, wields easily the pale club of the wind  and swirled justly souls of flower strike, he air in utterable coolness.”  
  


As he read the poem, reading it the way it was meant to be read, Jason glanced at Dick whose arm was splayed across his chest, blue eyes partially open, a strange emotion in their wake, something that he couldn’t place or understand.   
  


“Deeds of green thrilling light with thinned new fragile yellows lurch and press —in the woods which stutter and sing and the coolness of your smile is stirring of birds between my arms.”  
  


His words faltered, however, when he noticed that Dick had fallen asleep, snoring softly against him. Exhausted mentally and physically. Jason wished he had heard his final words but a part of him was glad he didn’t. Putting his phone aside, he held Dick close.  
  


“But I should rather than anything have, almost when hugeness will shut quietly,” Leaning down, breath shaking with every inhale, he leaned his head against Dick’s, the most daring he had been in a while. “Almost, your kiss.”  
  


Jason knew he didn’t deserve to hold Dick the way he got to hold him. He didn’t deserve to see his smile the way he did. And most of all, he didn’t deserve to kiss him but he did. It was just a simple brush, one that lasted for a mere second, maybe less but it was enough to break his heart, enough to bring him down to his knees because that haunting touch was everything. A memory that was not meant for him but one he had stolen anyway.   
  


With Dick wrapped in his arms so perfectly, Jason closed his eyes and wished the night would never end. He closed his eyes and wished he could stay in this moment forever. Because tomorrow when they parted way, no amount of remembering could replicate the man he longed to hold forever.

  
_ I'm already down _ _   
_ _ And I cry _ _   
_ _ And I try _ __   
_ And I try _ _   
_ __ But it feels like wasted time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The poem that Jason recites for Dick is 'I Have Found What You Are Like' by E.E. Cummings and yes I know his poems are written in a particular way for a reason but it was hard to stick to the format considering the nature of the situation. Please forgive. Thank you.

**Author's Note:**

> I was going through my google docs when I found this angsty mess, partially written and never completed because I kind of forget about things. Going through it, after much editing and deliberation, I decided to turn it into a long fic because the potential for slow burn is too tempting to resist. The updates, however, will be a bit slow. But should be easier than most fics I've written because I had most of this already done. 
> 
> Welcome to another mess by me! Yaay!


End file.
